Evil Editor has just discovered that he is the last person left alive on Earth. The planet was destroyed, but EE happened to be inside his personal force field at the time. He finds a tape recorder and decides to record his thoughts so that when aliens visit they'll have a record of what humans thought about.
So, I'm all that's left. I guess someone had to be the last, and it's only fitting that it be someone willing to tell it like it is.
Earth. It was the laughingstock of the solar system . . . until scientists discovered revolting noises coming from Uranus.
At the end there were six billion of us. And yet no one could make a decent cheese danish.
This resembles that Twilight Zone episode where the guy's the last man on Earth and all he wants to do is read books, and then he breaks his glasses. Resembles it in that all I want to do is get drunk on Dom Perignon, and I can't find a fucking corkscrew.
Anyway, if anyone should ever find this recording, know that when I die I will die with no regrets . . . except having lent twenty dollars to Kaczman last Tuesday.